


Lesson of Love

by katieeeeexx



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Emily is an idiot, F/F, JJ is confused, short and sweet, with some angst cause duh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-10-06 02:28:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20499374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katieeeeexx/pseuds/katieeeeexx
Summary: Emily doesn't know how to be loved. Can she finally let go and let JJ in?





	Lesson of Love

Emily paces around her apartment. Her chic, sophisticated,_ lonely_ apartment. The one her mother would approve of– fit for a diplomat’s daughter. She looks around at all of her perfectly curated furniture, her original artwork, and nothing is out of place.**  
**

But she’s a fraud. Her apartment is only a façade. It’s not a home; it’s a prison. And after the way she’d acted today at work, any hope of her sharing it with someone was squashed.

_JJ is in her office pouring through case files, trying to figure out which one the team should take next. There’s a soft knock at her door. It’s Emily. She smiles and waves her in. They’d been dating for a few months, unbeknownst to the rest of team. Figuring out what they are to each other was difficult enough– they didn’t need a team of profilers butting in, too._

_“Hey, you,” JJ greets._

_Emily shuts the door before walking over to stand behind JJ. She wraps her arms around her shoulders and places a gentle kiss on the crown of her head. “How’s work going in your corner of the BAU?”_

_JJ shrugs and lets out a long sigh. “I have to decide who gets our help and who doesn’t. And if they don’t get our help…” She trails off._

_Emily turns JJ’s chair so that she’s facing her. Grabbing JJ’s hand, she leads her to the couch in the corner of the office. “Wanna talk about it?”_

_JJ shakes her head. “Can you just… hold me for a minute? I don’t want to think about all of the psychopaths out there right now.”_

_Nodding her head, Emily shifts her weight so that she can pull JJ into her arms. As JJ’s body melts into Emily’s, Emily absentmindedly runs her fingers through the blonde’s hair. Minutes pass before JJ breaks the comfortable silence. “God, Emily, I don’t know what I’d do without you,” she whispers._

_“What do you mean?”_

_JJ sits up and looks into Emily’s eyes. She bites her lip, trying to find the words to express how’s she’s feeling. “It’s just… a few months ago I’d never even considered thinking of you as anything other a friend. And now… now you’re everything to me. You make me feel safe. And God, sometimes I feel like I’m going insane because it’s so confusing to me, even now, but through all of it you’re still here. And it just feels right, ya know?”_

_Emily stiffens. She knows this whole thing has been confusing for JJ, but any time she brings it up, it makes her uneasy. The fact is, Emily has never been confused about how she feels about JJ. Being reminded that JJ was– is– confused hurts her. She knows JJ is just being honest, but Emily can’t shake the anxiety swirling in her stomach at the thought. Being vulnerable with someone has never come easy to Emily, and she’s terrified of what could happen when JJ gains clarity._

_She pulls JJ in a little tighter. “Yeah, I know.” She holds her for a moment before getting up. “Listen I should get back to work.”_

_Emily is halfway to the door when JJ speaks. “Emily. Please don’t do that.”_

_“Do what?”_

_“This!” JJ throws her hands up in exasperation. “Any time I try to talk about us in any real or meaningful way, you shut down. Why won’t you let me in, Em? I’m trying, here!”_

_Emily pinches the bridge of her nose. “I can’t do this right now, JJ.”_

_She goes to turn around but JJ’s voice stops her. “Don’t you dare. Don’t you fucking dare, Emily. You don’t get to just walk away. Why is it that I’ve been nothing but open with you but I’m met with nothing but walls? I thought we were trying to figure this out together!”_

_“Jennifer, please. We’re at work. With a bunch of profilers, might I add. We can discuss this later.”_

The way JJ had looked at her before she left her office earlier was etched into Emily’s mind. She wishes she could talk to JJ– to tell her what’s going on in her head as easily as JJ talks to her, but she can’t. Emily’s so used to being alone and burying her feelings that having a real shot at happiness with the one person she’d been pining after like a lovesick teenager sends her running for the hills. There’s too much at stake. Too much to lose.

Emily laughs at the thought. She’s actively pushing away the one person she can’t bear to lose, and she doesn’t know how to stop herself. In some ways, this is new for both of them. Emily’s never let anyone in before, not really. Nobody’s ever seen the real Emily, and if she’s being honest, she’s not sure JJ would stick around if she did. So instead of talking to JJ, Emily shuts down any time they start talking about their feelings. It’s too real– too raw– for Emily. She’s not ready to lose JJ when she just got her.

The sound of a key turning in the lock pulls Emily out of her thoughts, and she knows JJ’s about to walk through the door. She’d given her a key to her apartment a few weeks ago, since they often left work at different times. Emily takes a deep breath and braces herself for the explosion that’s about to occur.

“Hi,” JJ says weakly as she walks into the living room where Emily was still pacing.

“Hey,” Emily replies.

JJ sits down on the couch and looks at her. “Can we talk? Please?”

One look into JJ’s impossibly blue eyes staring up at her, and Emily knows. She can’t avoid it any longer. She walks across the room to the couch and sits next JJ, taking her hands in her own.

“I…” Emily’s at a loss for words. She doesn’t even know where to begin. “JJ, I feel like everything’s falling apart.” Her voice is small, broken. It’s the most honest thing she’s said to JJ since they started dating.

Concern fills JJ’s eyes. “Emily, what do you mean? Aren’t you… You’re happy with me, right?”

“Oh, my God! Yes, JJ! You make me happier than I ever thought I could be. I just…” Emily looks down. She tries to come up with the right words– to string together the right sentence to make JJ understand, but she’s coming up short. “I’m scared, Jayje. I’ve always been in control. I’ve always had a handle on my emotions. And then I met you and all of a sudden I couldn’t keep my thoughts straight anymore. I don’t know how to do this, JJ. I don’t know how to let go of control.”

JJ opens her mouth to speak, but Emily raises her hand to stop her. “No, let me finish. If I don’t say this now I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to say it, and you deserve the truth.” JJ nods, urging Emily to continue.

“I know how confusing this has been for you, JJ, and I understand, I really do, but that scares me. I’ve never been confused. Not about you. Not once, and I don’t know if you’re ever going to be sure about this. I need you to be sure because I can’t let you in and then watch you walk away. I don’t think I could handle it. Nobody’s ever meant as much to me as you do, and– fuck, Jayje– that terrifies me.”

Tears fill JJ’s eyes at Emily’s words, and panic strikes through Emily’s system. “Oh, no. JJ, please don’t cry.” She pulls the blonde into her arms. “Shh… don’t cry.”

“Emily why didn’t you tell me this?” JJ hiccups. Her heart aches at the thought of causing Emily this kind of anguish.

“I’ve never let anyone in, JJ. I’ve been alone because I chose to be.” She pauses. “Choosing to be with you is just as new to me as all of this is to you. I don’t know how to do this, Jen.”

JJ nods. “Well, first off. I’m not confused about _you_, Emily. In fact, I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. I’m just–” She sighs. “Being so sure about my feeling for you _is_ what’s confusing. I grew up thinking I’d marry a man, have kids, a white picket fence, the whole nine yards. And now that I know you’re the one I want… it’s making me question everything I thought I knew. I feel like I don’t know myself anymore… or maybe I know myself better than I ever have. I don’t know. But, Jesus, Emily, if there’s one thing I _do_ know it’s that I love you.”

JJ’s eyes widen at her admission. She’d been rambling and hadn’t intended to tell Emily she loves her. It’s true, but was she ready to say it?

“You do?” Finally, Emily’s eyes glimmered with hope– with vulnerability.

In that moment, any worry faded away. Those two words from Emily gave her the clarity she’d been searching for. JJ didn’t need Emily to help her figure out what was going on in her head– she was already doing that without even trying. She needed Emily to let her in, to let her fully and openly express everything she’d been feeling that threatened to spill out at any moment. She didn’t want to hide anymore. JJ rolls her eyes.

“God, _yes_, Em. Just let me love you, you idiot.”

**Author's Note:**

> My friend Cas (@alicecullen on tumblr) sent in the prompts “God, just let me fucking love you, you idiot!” “Shh… don’t cry,” “I just feel like everything is falling apart,” and “DON’T YOU DARE! DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE” and this was the result, so I hope you enjoyed! Feel free to follow me on tumblr (@jenniferjareau) and send in your own!


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